Still here!

Dear blog/blogging friends,

I have not forgotten you.

However, I have been super busy. Bossman is....on a wee bit of a crazed boss cycle lately. I work loads. He scolds. I work more. He scolds. I am aware that this is directed at everyone in the lab.

Crazed Bossman is due to several things:
1. One of my labmates who has done AWESOME things got rejected from Science on a paper they'd been working on for months. Bossman really wants a Science paper.
2. Another labmate is now in the "running up against the departmental finishing time" zone. He is not ready to graduate. Bossman will not pay him after December but will not fire him. This is gonna be awkward.
3. We should hear back about the NIH grant for my project soon. We were right on the edge of "safe" with our score. This is making everyone nervous. (I will be fine on funding either way, but yeah, totally have already spent the pretty pretty money in my head.)
4. My mentor/the only other grad student on my project is supposed to graduate soon (aka by March)/is looking for jobs. She is fantastic, and he is cranky that I am not as fantastic.
5. The other second year has pretty much stopped working. Bossman has only barely given him crap.


I have also just recently obtained an undergrad!!! She is awesome. And is one of my former students that I really wanted. And it is so much fun/work having her.

I have three large projects. And yeah, they are eating away at me. We desperately need another grad student on my project. We will probably get at least two grad students---neither on my project.

I have been busy. And stressed. And I haven't been able to run recently due to injury/laziness/how damn tired I am in the morning and evening.

I am in lab trying to sort through papers that will get me least yelled at for when I give a short lit talk for group meeting.

Still loving the lab, the research, and even Bossman (despite his crazed tendencies), but I need a breather that I will not get for awhile.

And damn, do I want to be able to get a paper soon.

And I miss my friends and profs from undergrad. I miss Lab Mom tons. My personal life has been awesome, but yeah, nostalgia hit hard recently.

So yeah, please excuse me for the lack of posts recently. I'm busy pre-panicking about quals this winter.

Love,
BotR

It's not grad school unless

you're in the lab crying because you just wasted 2.5 weeks barking up the wrong tree at 11pm on a Friday night.

THIS IS IMPOSSIBLE.

Ok, grad school, I get it. I was feeling positive about you and then I realized that I cannot physically do:
a) my research
b) my classes
c) my TAing
d) my running
e) my dealing with my apartment water heater leaking all over
f) keeping up with literature
g) catching up with literature

I cannot. Do. All of these. Well. This week has been TA/apartment/classes heavy and I am getting so little done on research. This is ridiculous.

Also, NSF? I thought I was going to get actual feedback on my proposal. If you tell me that I'm awesome and then don't tell me how to improve so I can attempt to get funding next year, that's not helpful. At all.

TA Assignments!

Quick note: Going on vacation with family to go visit family over the holidays, so updates will be pretty sporadic.

I will be TAing ochem lab twice a week...starting at 8am. Great. This means that I'll have to get to school at 7 am M-F due to classes and TAing. Which is sort of irritating because I was hoping to start running in the morning again.

Eh, oh well. I am excited/nervous about TAing ochem lab again. I did it for three semesters in undergrad somewhat successfully, but this will be different.

Any TAing tips?

Last week of rotation one.

Well, it's a sad/happy/AHHHHHH sort of week. I'm excited to:
a) Not work under Fred anymore.
b) Go and work on the metalloprotein that made me fall in love with metalloproteins.
c) Meet new people.

I'm bummed to:
a) Leave the cool people in current lab.
b) Leave the cool metalloprotein I currently work on.
c) Leave the office that I work in. (I had my desk organized and everything.)
d) Not see our awesome collaborators in the physics department anymore.

I'm flipping out about:
a) The fact that I have been hardcore failing on getting work done on the Hertz/NSF apps.
b) The fact that I have to get used to new people again.
c) The fact that I'll have wombat status, but only vague wombat status because I've worked on this metalloprotein before.
d) That they haven't told us if our rotation choices were confirmed (my next lab was verbally agreed to).

Well, that's about it---and since I've had arguments with Fred about feminism all this past week, here's a piece that I really enjoyed.

Lab homesickness.

So I'm in lab still. Rapidly approaching another 13 hour day (f****** protein purification days).

And a terrible case of lab homesickness has swept over me.

I miss undergrad. I miss my lab. I miss my Lab Mom. I miss my friends. I even miss the model organism that I used to work with.

And most of all, I miss being independent.

My grad student mentor has been sick for the past two days, so I've been by myself/working with my other grad student mentor. But the terrible thing is that while I've really enjoyed the "freedom," I hate that this isn't my project, so when I screw stuff up, I feel like a terrible human being. These aren't my materials/time to waste, this is his protein and his time, even when he's not here.

I feel like I wasn't really meant to get here. There was clearly some sort of mistake.

I'm now convinced that I'm going to try my damndest, but that I won't be able to do it. I won't get my PhD, I won't get a good postdoc, and I'll never be able to teach.

I admit it---the fact that the chances of me ever getting a tenured position are so slim gives me this bleak outlook. And it breaks my heart. I really want a position where I can have my own lab/teach. My happiest daydreams are when I'm thinking about what I want to study in *my* lab someday.

I'm just so terrified for the moment where someone discovers that my effort/passion for the field doesn't measure up to my talent. And it's bound to happen sometime soon.

Email tag stopped!

My email tag with my new PI has finally stopped! I'm officially starting tomorrow morning. Excited, but let me say a few words about this:

AHHHHHHHHHHHHH.

I don't know why I'm flipping out. Everyone knows that the first day is mostly paperwork and irritating stuff like that. She even said that there's a lab safety training thing tomorrow.

A quick note: I'm sorry that I keep on having panicky posts. I don't mean to be a downer, this is just how I feel about this entire process. I'm sure there are other people out there who deal with BIG changes much better, but I want to honestly reveal my thoughts about moving to grad school for anyone who might be reading this who might be feeling the same levels of panic. You are not alone!

MOVED.

I moved two days ago, dropped my dad off at the airport yesterday (and subsequently missed the internet appointment), and I'm currently sitting in a frozen yogurt shop with free wifi. Man, every time I'm taken away from the internets, I realize how much impact it has on my life.

The roommates will move in either Friday or Saturday (my bet's on Saturday), so I have the apartment to myself for about a week.

The transition is going better than I thought, but I haven't really gotten to the really scary part yet. I just re-emailed the PI to remind her that I'm supposed to start on Monday since she didn't respond back to my email. Must...not...read anything into this (she's missed a few of my emails before, and I'm just assuming it's cause she gets tons of emails).

My mattress hasn't arrived yet (ah, the perils of ordering a super cheap mattress + super cheap shipping), so sleeping has been difficult. I'm guessing that it's going to show up by Monday, since the bed frame already got here. The cat has been hilarious---he keeps on hiding in bizarre places in the apartment. The best so far has been the linen closet. He managed to open the door, jump in, and close the door. And is perfectly content in there, and has repeated the act at least twice more.

Missing home. And the boy. And my friends. And the family.

On the bright side, my terribly worn phone (lasted about 4 years, and has several buttons no longer working and the battery barely holds a charge anymore) has now been replaced! Huzzah!

Moving tomorrow.

Tomorrow, the long drive occurs.

I am the mayor of panic city.

I made a bunch of lists yesterday, and it made me feel better. I'll probably make more lists today. And the cat is getting dropped off tonight.

I am petrified.

Anyone have some calming words?

PACKING.

Stupid packing. Yesterday I went through all of my upper division chem notes and organized them into a now exploding 3" binder. The irritating part about being a biochemist? I have to do a similar thing with my upper div bio classes. The studyfest has been retired until I move in.

Trying to not freak out, but it's tough not to. *Everything* is up for a flip out moment.

Will all of my crap fit in the car? (Yes, I've thrown out/given away/sold more crap since I packed up at school + my entire family doesn't have to fit in the car this time.)

But what if I forget something vital? (Then I will figure out a way to get it/get a new one.)

But I need to be studying!!! (No, packing is more important.)

I don't have enough time to say goodbye to everyone I want to! (They'll understand. You'll see them when you visit.)

And, of course, the biggest flip out moment (drumroll please):

WHY DID GRAD SCHOOL U EVEN ACCEPT ME I'LL NEVER SURVIVE DID THEY JUST WANT A GUARANTEED FAILFACE IN THE BUNCH I'LL NEVER MAKE FRIENDS BECAUSE PEOPLE WILL BE TOO BUSY LAUGHING AT MY INCOMPETENCE AND NO LAB WILL WANT ME EXCEPT FOR SOME PSYCHO LAB

The worst part about the last one is that I can't seem to completely talk myself out of it. D'oh.

Week till moving.

One week. Oh, the packing that I've been ignoring...

Car repairs today. Sad, sad car repairs.

Man, why can't GSU-city have good public transportation that would allow me to be in lab past 7pm?

I suppose that at least I won't be hit on. And that groceries will be easier to obtain than my usual getting on the bus/walking. And that both of the mechanics that I've talked to have assured me that my car has many, many years left on it.

But sad, sad car repairs.

Moving in 10 Days.

The countdown has now hit 10. Yikes.

Sorry for the lack of blog posts---two good friends got married on Saturday. This meant that this past week has been helping with prep, the bachelorette party, the wedding, the catch up sessions with many people, etc. I'm now hosting a friend for the next two days, so I expect not to post again for awhile.

The next 10 days are going to be filled with last minute apartment stuff, getting my car repaired for the big trip, packing, and squeezing in as many friends and family as possible.

Sigh. So freaked out. On the bright side, I finished analytical (*ding dong the witch is dead*), so only three more subjects to go. And I saved my three favorites for last. I think inorganic will be up next.

zomg grad skool carnival contribution

I meant to post this later, but due to being too busy to come up with a new post today, you all get to see my zomg grad skool carnival contribution (courtesy of Samia over at 49 percent---go check out her post and submit your own thoughts by August 15th!). Check out her prompt first (if you haven't already) before reading!

I suppose I can sum up all of my feelings about moving to grad school with one word: wombatty. It's a term that once was strictly applied by a friend of mine (already in grad school) as describing irritating undergrads. However, a few close friends and I have expanded this particular term to describe someone who has little to no idea what is going on. There have been lots of jokes to further emphasize how wombatty we will become. No longer the mostly confident undergrad (perhaps with little reason), I will now become the new dork who has no idea where the pipet tips, lab pens, buffers, or even the bathroom will be. Despite my obsessive note taking, I will know where things are for a few short weeks, then be whisked into my new rotation with a new group. And again. And again. Since rotations in my program will only last a few weeks, it will be ridiculously insane. How will I correctly judge which group is right for me? How will the PIs judge me when I'll only have a few weeks in their lab? Will I get into the lab that I eventually choose, or will everyone else want to work for the same person?

I dread the coming incompetence that I feel sure will be exposed shortly. How did I even get into grad school? Why did my school accept me? Will my peers realize that a mistake was made by the grad school? I can only hope that plenty of my fellow incoming grad students will feel the same. Leaving my good friends---especially my "lab soulmate" best friend from undergrad---is nerve wracking.

However, my saving grace is that I have talked to others who feel the same way. I loved the grad students and my fellow prospective grad students at my choice of school. I will be continuing my pattern of working hard and trying my best. I'm living with two friends from undergrad who aren't in the program, but will be good friends even if I can't seem to make any. I think everything will be ok, and I'll get into a lab that I'll be happy and productive in. I choose a school that would give me a shot at these aspects, and I'm hopeful that I'll find my place at grad school. It just might take a while.

1/5 Subjects Complete

Complete: Ochem

Not even touched: Pchem, Analytical, Biochem, Inorg

Just finished my rereading of my ochem textbook in time for me to find a letter about the exams in my email inbox. Yikes.

Trying to not flip. Not working. Attempting to comfort myself with the fact that I still have 2.5 months to cover the rest of the material.

Tomorrow, I begin the covering of analytical. (Yuck. At least the book they recommended is the same one we used at SLAC?) I plan to bribe myself by going to a coffee/bagel place tomorrow. Hopefully analytical will be over quickly.

Attempting to get a car tonight! *crosses fingers* My first car. Man, will that purchase eat up most of my savings, which is hard for my bargain hunting self to accept. But I need the car for grad school, I'm (hopefully) getting a bargain car that will last me many years, and I've done a bunch of research to assure myself of these facts.