Lab homesickness.

So I'm in lab still. Rapidly approaching another 13 hour day (f****** protein purification days).

And a terrible case of lab homesickness has swept over me.

I miss undergrad. I miss my lab. I miss my Lab Mom. I miss my friends. I even miss the model organism that I used to work with.

And most of all, I miss being independent.

My grad student mentor has been sick for the past two days, so I've been by myself/working with my other grad student mentor. But the terrible thing is that while I've really enjoyed the "freedom," I hate that this isn't my project, so when I screw stuff up, I feel like a terrible human being. These aren't my materials/time to waste, this is his protein and his time, even when he's not here.

I feel like I wasn't really meant to get here. There was clearly some sort of mistake.

I'm now convinced that I'm going to try my damndest, but that I won't be able to do it. I won't get my PhD, I won't get a good postdoc, and I'll never be able to teach.

I admit it---the fact that the chances of me ever getting a tenured position are so slim gives me this bleak outlook. And it breaks my heart. I really want a position where I can have my own lab/teach. My happiest daydreams are when I'm thinking about what I want to study in *my* lab someday.

I'm just so terrified for the moment where someone discovers that my effort/passion for the field doesn't measure up to my talent. And it's bound to happen sometime soon.