Well, that was not fun.

Warning: If you don't want to hear me bitching, stop reading now.

Anyways, today was my first group presentation. For the past week, I've been hardcore working on figures and slides for my presentation with Fred. The presentation was rescheduled twice before today.

First of all, Fred drove me *nuts.* I spent at least a good 20 hours in total with him coaching me over my shoulder. Despite repeated attempts to get him to back off. He corrected my acknowledgments, for goodness sake. I told him that he was hovering. I told him that my tolerance for it was incredibly low. And he just wouldn't stop. (I don't mind corrections and help---I mind you trying to dictate each word of the presentation.) I got so frustrated that I went and cried in the bathroom twice, which is only something I've done when dealing with the world's most frustrating class.

Secondly, after getting up early to go practice in lab/make some last minute changes, my PI had to reschedule for later today and so texted Fred. Who did not tell me. Until 30 min before I was supposed to give the presentation. Which led to another 3.5 hours of him dictating changes to me.

Third, PI showed up right before the presentation. Explains that family emergency occurred and she'll have to miss the presentation.

I gave the presentation to the lab and our collaborators. Got a rave from Fred about how I did, which is cool. (Though I did make him promise to buy me a beer or let me punch him. He chose to buy me a beer in the future.) Giving the presentation to PI with probably just Fred present tomorrow after orientation stuff ends in the afternoon. (Orientation tomorrow---yay/yikes!)

The only really cool part was that a few of my project ideas were raved about by a collaborator who I talk to a lot (he's on campus and we use his equipment all the time) and he thinks I should totally follow up on these ideas. :)

But ahhhhhhhh. What a day.

Visit to undergrad.

I really enjoyed visiting my undergrad. I got to see a lot of my friends, including a few class of 2010 people that were in the area.

It was definitely kind of odd though---very bittersweet. I do miss a lot from undergrad, but in a way, going back sort of confirmed my thoughts that I was ready to move on. I miss my friends and profs, but I realized that when talking to a friend and describing why the metalloprotein I'm currently working on is super interesting---I'm really happy to be working on something I'm passionate about. I love biophysical chem and metalloproteins, and at undergrad, I didn't get to work on either.

It would have been a better weekend if I could have seen Lab Soulmate and Lab Mom, but neither was possible. I saw a lot of good friends, got some work done, and had fun. Though staying up watching Spirited Away (very enjoyable movie, by the way) with friends until 4 AM was probably a bad idea when I was meeting up with a friend for breakfast at 8:30. But yeah.

Anyways, back to working on my group presentation that has now actually been firmly scheduled for Tuesday. Wish me luck!

Orientation approacheth!

Things have been going pretty well here. Still getting along with labmates, still getting along with roommates, still working my ass off for the two different grad students with barely overlapping schedules, and still trying to make friends with other incoming first years.

Orientation is starting in less than a week...crazy times.

My group meeting presentation will not be occurring this week due to my PI taking a spontaneous family vacation, but it's been pushed back to early next week. Still flipping over it (Fred thinks this is funny. I don't).

I might get to head back to my undergrad and visit this weekend, so I'm excited about that.

Ran into a potential PI yesterday, which wasn't surprising as I was using his lab equipment. What was surprising was that he actually remembered me from the interview weekend. Our exchange went something like this:

PPI: Hey, don't I know you?

BOTR: Oh, uhhhh, yeah. We met a while ago at interview weekend! I'm working for CurrentPI for the summer.

PPI: You were the one who worked for MyPostDocAdvisor, right? You should come work for me on SuperCoolMetalloprotein! We just submitted a paper on it and I really want someone to start working on SuperCoolMetalloprotein since my grad student on it is graduating soon.

BOTR: *proceeds to geek out about paper, terribly embarrassing herself in the process*

I have a feeling that the decision between my current lab and this lab isn't going to be easy to make...the choice between the dueling metalloproteins! CurrentMetalloprotein is pretty nifty too.

Also, I should stop feeling so flattered that PPI wants me to work for him. It's definitely only because I already worked on SuperCoolMetalloprotein.

Things I have learned.

1. If you are sick, please, please please do not come into lab. Everyone else will refuse to stand within a 10 foot radius of you. Except, of course, your rotation student who is forced to spend lots of time breathing in your germs.

2. If you are trying to help said rotation student with an upcoming presentation, do not get her sick.

3. Denial (and orange juice, sleep, and lots of tea) can help keep the germs at bay.

4. However, denial can only prevent the full blown cold. You'll still feel vaguely sick. And it still sucks. And the full blown cold is bound to hit at any moment.

Moral of the story: Don't spread your cold. Health first, work later (or just work on whatever stuff you can at home).

Updates are coming, I promise...

So as seen by my last post (and many others before that), this whole grad school transition has had a great deal of ups and downs.

My freakout was no doubt inspired by the news that I'll either be giving group meeting this week or next week (my PI might be out of town this week, so it'll probably be next week). My mentor Fred (who I've been shadowing most of the time), who has been a great mentor so far, sorta shoved me under the bus without warning.

Granted, I do have stuff to present. It's mostly Fred's work that I've done or helped with, along with a side of the work I've done for Hailey (grad student mentor who I've done about 25% of my work with). And I knew I'd have to do one by the end of my rotation. But my rotation isn't over for at least 4 more weeks.

After hearing this, I ended up asking Fred about the whole "you're presenting" bit. Yeah, we've collected a lot of data---so why would he want me to take some credit for it rather than presenting it himself? (And obviously, while I would be thanking him in my credits a great deal, the perception is different than if he was presenting it by himself.) Essentially, he told me that I'm the best person he's ever trained, so he thinks he'll look even better to the boss if I do a rockin' presentation. And I'll look good if I do a rockin' presentation. Later that day, the boss found me and told me that she's heard "lots of good things about [me]."

So I clearly should do a rockin' presentation. Good thing I love talking about research?

Lab homesickness.

So I'm in lab still. Rapidly approaching another 13 hour day (f****** protein purification days).

And a terrible case of lab homesickness has swept over me.

I miss undergrad. I miss my lab. I miss my Lab Mom. I miss my friends. I even miss the model organism that I used to work with.

And most of all, I miss being independent.

My grad student mentor has been sick for the past two days, so I've been by myself/working with my other grad student mentor. But the terrible thing is that while I've really enjoyed the "freedom," I hate that this isn't my project, so when I screw stuff up, I feel like a terrible human being. These aren't my materials/time to waste, this is his protein and his time, even when he's not here.

I feel like I wasn't really meant to get here. There was clearly some sort of mistake.

I'm now convinced that I'm going to try my damndest, but that I won't be able to do it. I won't get my PhD, I won't get a good postdoc, and I'll never be able to teach.

I admit it---the fact that the chances of me ever getting a tenured position are so slim gives me this bleak outlook. And it breaks my heart. I really want a position where I can have my own lab/teach. My happiest daydreams are when I'm thinking about what I want to study in *my* lab someday.

I'm just so terrified for the moment where someone discovers that my effort/passion for the field doesn't measure up to my talent. And it's bound to happen sometime soon.

Oh so this is grad school...

Just got back from 13 hours of protein purification + all of my other experiments. With no lunch break except to shove my sandwich into my mouth and run.

And my weeks have been about 10-11 hour days.

Still enjoying it, even though the transition from lazy college graduate bum to hard working rotation student has been exhausting.

Tired. Bed nowwwww. Or as one of my roommates put it, "Good thing you don't have a life."