Teaching portfolio.

Last Wednesday was my last class of GSU's "Teaching Wombats" seminar series. While not super useful, the prof was very nice and the only real work was showing up every week. Not a big deal.

However, as a closing note, the prof mentioned to us that now is a good time to start making a teaching portfolio. (GSU has all of the first year chem grad students finish their teaching requirements within the first two years, unless you're asked to TA a grad level course.) Teaching portfolio!?! Crap. I don't even know what that really means.

After a quick google search, Berkeley's career center comes up with one of the best descriptions. Of course, I now wish I'd had the prof I'm teaching for come in during my discussion section. Luckily, the prof who taught the seminar course did come in to see me teach. Hopefully she liked what she saw? We have a meeting later next week, so I'll find out more about this teaching portfolio deal. She said that we should save things like emails from students that thank us. Really? Is that actually a legit thing to put in a teaching portfolio?

Any suggestions out there for what to put in a teaching portfolio? What not to put in a teaching portfolio?

When Bossman's not happy...

...everybody's unhappy.

Grumpy Monday around here today. Bossman's mood defines the mood of the lab usually. Today was not a cheerful Monday. Pretty much everyone got the "you're not working hard enough/thinking enough about your project" speech today. I think he's upset because Golden Boy's defending on Friday and he probably didn't get enough sleep.

Oh well. Tomorrow's a better day?

Uh oh...more weekend lab time?

Was in lab both days this weekend. Saw Bossman both days. Guess the three kiddos aren't keeping him home as much anymore?

Nooooooooooooooooooo


Curses, I thought this whole "I get in before the Bossman" and "I leave after the Bossman" thing was good enough.

I think the real problem is that he lives within walking distance of the lab.

A year ago, I graduated. WHAT

Congrats to all the graduating seniors. I wish each and every one of you the best of luck.

Your first year out of college is incredibly crazy. You really, really comprehend how little money and time you have. How much you miss the friends from school. But you'll make new friends, and you'll deal with the money and time issues. And slowly, but surely, things will start to fall into place.

Here's advice from someone who was in your shoes a year ago: You will figure out everything. As the Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy states, don't panic.

Congrats to the class of 2011!

First month is officially over.

First month of real grad school (not just me researchin') is over. The classes and research balancing has been...fun. Yeah, fun. That's definitely the word I'm looking for.

Tomorrow's plans:
Wake up super early (I define "super early" as before 6. Don't judge). Clean room more. Get into lab. Pour gels/concentrate not purified protein. Go for run. Meet with adviser for next rotation. Check gel. Purify protein. Meet with current adviser. Purify protein more. Concentrate down proteins. Do first experiments to *hopefully* see super cool thing that I thought I'd try on the last week because I wanted to. Go for a beer with labmates that are sad to see me go. Probably do homework stuff for awhile. Go pick up former roommate at airport. Go home and clean up the stuff that I no doubt forgot. Make food for potluck for wedding reception that former roommate and I are going to on Saturday. Collapse, drool on self, and not get enough work done.

I am pumped to see former roommate. She's in her second year of grad school and therefore has the "dude, I know what you're going through and it'll be ok" attitude. And she's very excited to meet the cat.

Well, the making friends part has gone surprisingly well for me. Way less difficult than the beginning of college.

And running's been really nice---I get outside, I hangout with Running Buddy, and we just did an 8K.

Grad school's good, just tiring. I'm not sure how fellowships are supposed to fit into this mess of work. We have so much classwork/rotation based work as compared to the people in other chem divisions. They have to TA now instead though, so I can't complain. They just don't have as much classwork and aren't currently in labs (they pick next week).

Sorry, apparently too tired for a coherent, logical post today.

Dealing with a frustrating mentor.

Lots of work, lots of lab, lots of fellowship stuff.

Running has helped with stress. But apparently, not enough.

I flipped out at my mentor on Friday. Like screaming at him. Essentially, I'm tired of him never taking responsibility for *his* actions and pinning it on me. Usually, it's never anything big. But it was sort of a straw that broke the camel's back moment. I yelled that I wasn't his mother or secretary at the top of my lungs, added a few curse words, and left the room to cool down. The really bad part was that it was in front of a few lab mates.

Luckily for me, my lab mates thought that it was a) deserved and b) funny (I got a few high fives). So even if I exploded, they don't think I'm psycho. Unfortunately for me, Fred thought it was also funny. He explained later that it was funny because I'm not a particularly intimidating woman (5'3" and 125 lbs doesn't really cut it) and that it would have not been ok if I was "a tall, muscle bound man." I did apologize, because I NEVER yell at anyone. EVER. But I'm still so angry with him because he makes these sexist comments just to needle me because I do react. And to be honest, I know that he's trolling me and just thinks it's funny when I get upset.

But I can't stop getting upset. Of the things that irritate me, sexist/racist/homophobic/etc. comments win. (Then it's inefficiency. But that's another blog post and a half.) And even though I know he's doing it *just* to piss me off, I can't control my horror/disgust/anger.

The biggest problem is that I both like him and hate him at the same time. I know he's actually a pretty good guy at heart, but he can't stop the bulls**t and I can't stop getting pissy. And he has been a good mentor in general. (In fact, I may be getting onto another paper. And I will admit, that while 75% of that is my own hard work, probably a good 25% is because of the fact that he's been setting me up for projects that might work/have a payoff rapidly and then fighting for me to be on the paper.)

Anyone have advice other than the pretty obvious "stop reacting to his trolling"? I'm really losing it here.

And the doom cloud gathers...

I've now realized how much work I have to do for classes along with rotation work...DOOM. Trying to find time to send Lab Mom the emails I need to about paper stuff is not easy.

Shiny star moment of the past few days: Crystals! Pretty crystals! :)

Also, anyone have any hints on applying for the NSF (or the Hertz)? I'm attempting to chip away at the application this week.

Running buddy!

I am soooo tired.

Another first year (the only female first year I've actually been hanging out with) and I are now running buddies. Yay!

Good: She and I have essentially the same pace, stress relief, getting back into shape, efficient use of time in the morning when I've set something up in lab, we're probably going to do an 8K together

Bad: I AM SO TIRED AND WE ONLY DID 2.5 MILES. I usually (i.e. before I graduated) did 5-6 mile runs. Fail status for the getting out of shape.

But guys guys guys I passed my tests! I don't have to take undergrad classes! Wooooooo! Just a shitton of grad level courses...woo?

And today my co-adviser person (research scientist collaborator person) told me he really hopes I join the lab. And he doesn't really have any real financial investment in me joining. So that's pretty cool.

Anyways, just as a random note about the status of this blog---I'm planning on doing a blogroll and a cast of characters type list. Please shoot me an email if you would like to be included on the blogroll or if you have suggestions for future posts/blog improvement.

Quick post.

Ok, I really want to go put my laundry in the washing machine (damn you, 8am-10pm laundry room hours) and go for a run before I go to my baseball team's game in GSU city, so this will be fast.

1. Orientation has started! My classmates seem cool. I like most people so far.

2. I've been getting a lot of people (mostly guys) coming up to me and remembering who I am. Unfortunately, I haven't been able to remember their names. This makes me think that I am somehow memorable. According to a guy friend, it's probably due to the fact that I am: a) approachable (who knew?) and friendly and b) not in the large pack of women that seems to have formed. The cliques can be broken down into biochemists/organic and physical people who like biomolecules (mostly men), women who aren't biochemists (a fairly large group), and international students. I've talked to people from all 3 groups, but I mostly have been around the biochem group.

3. Placement exams are over! I'll find out the results on Tuesday. As long as I passed 3 including biochem, I should be ok. Even if I didn't, then I just have to take classes. Which would be sad, but meh.

4. Meeting with CurrentPI went pretty well yesterday. Apparently Fred told her I did a good job, which is nice. It (unsurprisingly) went from me presenting to her coming up with brilliant ideas.

5. Asked if CurrentPI would write me a letter/let me do a proposal on my current work for NSF, and she said yes. Also agreed to let me extend my first rotation into the first official rotation. (So sorta like the "let's move in together" relationship talk. As compared to when I'll be asking a PI to join the group...the "let's get engaged" talk of grad school.) Now I just have to dig up a letter of rec from Lab Mom and BigWig I worked for in Summer 2009.

And I'm off!

Visit to undergrad.

I really enjoyed visiting my undergrad. I got to see a lot of my friends, including a few class of 2010 people that were in the area.

It was definitely kind of odd though---very bittersweet. I do miss a lot from undergrad, but in a way, going back sort of confirmed my thoughts that I was ready to move on. I miss my friends and profs, but I realized that when talking to a friend and describing why the metalloprotein I'm currently working on is super interesting---I'm really happy to be working on something I'm passionate about. I love biophysical chem and metalloproteins, and at undergrad, I didn't get to work on either.

It would have been a better weekend if I could have seen Lab Soulmate and Lab Mom, but neither was possible. I saw a lot of good friends, got some work done, and had fun. Though staying up watching Spirited Away (very enjoyable movie, by the way) with friends until 4 AM was probably a bad idea when I was meeting up with a friend for breakfast at 8:30. But yeah.

Anyways, back to working on my group presentation that has now actually been firmly scheduled for Tuesday. Wish me luck!

Orientation approacheth!

Things have been going pretty well here. Still getting along with labmates, still getting along with roommates, still working my ass off for the two different grad students with barely overlapping schedules, and still trying to make friends with other incoming first years.

Orientation is starting in less than a week...crazy times.

My group meeting presentation will not be occurring this week due to my PI taking a spontaneous family vacation, but it's been pushed back to early next week. Still flipping over it (Fred thinks this is funny. I don't).

I might get to head back to my undergrad and visit this weekend, so I'm excited about that.

Ran into a potential PI yesterday, which wasn't surprising as I was using his lab equipment. What was surprising was that he actually remembered me from the interview weekend. Our exchange went something like this:

PPI: Hey, don't I know you?

BOTR: Oh, uhhhh, yeah. We met a while ago at interview weekend! I'm working for CurrentPI for the summer.

PPI: You were the one who worked for MyPostDocAdvisor, right? You should come work for me on SuperCoolMetalloprotein! We just submitted a paper on it and I really want someone to start working on SuperCoolMetalloprotein since my grad student on it is graduating soon.

BOTR: *proceeds to geek out about paper, terribly embarrassing herself in the process*

I have a feeling that the decision between my current lab and this lab isn't going to be easy to make...the choice between the dueling metalloproteins! CurrentMetalloprotein is pretty nifty too.

Also, I should stop feeling so flattered that PPI wants me to work for him. It's definitely only because I already worked on SuperCoolMetalloprotein.

LGBT scientists, where are you???

Ok, so as you probably all have assumed, I'm a white, straight female. So any comments I make in this area are just from personal experiences.

Is there a particular reason that I haven't met a great deal of LGBT science folks? Out of all the science people I've met over the years, I can safely say that I've only met about 10 sciencey people who are open. And out of those 10 people, I can safely say that they have all been really, really good at the science that they're interested in.

First, let's start off with a big fat "duh" factor: Obviously, every single category of person out there can do science.

But here's my question: Why have I met so few scientists who are out? I've met lots of people who are out over the years, but it's been rare that they've been in science, math, or engineering. I've met tons of gender studies, philosophy, art, theater, history, English, etc. majors.

Therefore, I've come to several different conclusions:
1. LGBT scientists are less likely to be open due to science culture itself.
2. Science culture is not a LGBT friendly environment.
3. All of us as scientists should do something.

But what? I have always respected people's privacy about their own lives, whether they are single and straight or married and gay. How can I voice my support without being accidentally condescending or treating people differently for their orientation? How can I change the system without being so passive of an ally?

I suppose I'll just go on treating everyone with respect and dignity, and hope that over time, everyone will do the same. But that feels a little naive. And hopefully this is just my narrow experience, and that it's a problem that I'm making up in my own head.

Ideas are appreciated.

Falling into a routine.

I am a huge fan of routines. I like having a vague schedule to adhere to, but it takes me a lot of time to create the schedule, so my best bet is to add a few things at a time.

I'm now trying to add exercise back into my routine. I love running (hence the pen name), but I have a heart problem (nothing serious) that makes shifting back into running after a long time of inconsistent exercise difficult. Bah. Roommate and I went for a run yesterday, and we only went two miles due to a big hill + my heart problem.

I hate slowly shifting back into exercise. I want to go back to running 6 miles again now!

I'll be posting more book reviews in a few days. Sorry about being such a slackerface about writing those up!

First week impressions.

Well, my first week of grad school has been completed and I'm still alive.

The roommates have moved in, the cat is adjusting well, and I am not in the lab on a Saturday (a first and last occurrence). Life is good.

It was a crazy week---tons of new information to process, new people to meet, and I've already learned three techniques that are new to me. It looks like how my rotation will work in this group will be the style of me assisting the grad students in the group that work on my metalloprotein of interest so I can get exposed to lots of different techniques.

But the most important thing: I really, really like these people. My potential groupmates are really nice and funny and have been really welcoming. They're all really good buddies with each other, and a large portion of the group hangs out outside of lab on a regular basis. I'm hoping to break into this group soon. My current mentor is a fourth year grad student who has been a great teacher and very patient with me and all my questions. He informed me that "[I] seem to pick up things quickly" so I'm going to take that as a "you're not totally useless" sort of compliment! :)

My PI seems pretty awesome. Smart, funny, and passionate about her work. She's definitely a little scattered, but she's really blunt, which is new for me in a PI. I think I'll work best with a blunt PI: I tend to get irritated if you hint to me that you think I should come in more, you don't think my way is the most efficient, you think I'm not doing a technique right, etc. but you don't come right out and say it so I have to guess what's wrong. (Not to bash on either of my former PIs, there were many awesome qualities in both of them, but when you're trying so hard to be nice it can be difficult to be both kind and clear about what you want fixed.)

Anyways, I suggested something that I read to my grad student mentor for trying to fix one of the techniques, so he ordered the chemical and I get to try it this week. Most of the lab will be out for a conference next week, so I get to finally do a bunch of the stuff I've learned by myself. I also get to set up crystal trays soon!!!1!111 I'm super excited about that, since I miss doing crystallography and this will be the first time I get to do it since last summer.

Thank goodness my panicked state has finally subsided. Now I'm only flipping out about stretching the money I have until Sept 1st (payday seems so very far away) and my upcoming exams.

Adjusting.

Now don't get me wrong---I don't mind being alone. In fact, I have often preferred to be alone.

But I like having things to do. Currently, my things to do list is running out. I've now unpacked completely, I've made a budget, and I've shopped for all of the things I'll need. I'm no longer panicking about moving related stuff, so now I'm just worrying about starting up in a new lab stuff. And the chem tests. I'll probably start studying again tonight.

The new PI hasn't gotten back to me yet about starting tomorrow, and I doubt she will tonight. I sent her another email with my cell, just in case she still does want me to start tomorrow. I'm guessing that either she's out of town or my emails keep on getting lost in the masses of email she gets. I figure I'll call her office tomorrow morning if I don't get an email by then.

zomg grad skool carnival contribution

I meant to post this later, but due to being too busy to come up with a new post today, you all get to see my zomg grad skool carnival contribution (courtesy of Samia over at 49 percent---go check out her post and submit your own thoughts by August 15th!). Check out her prompt first (if you haven't already) before reading!

I suppose I can sum up all of my feelings about moving to grad school with one word: wombatty. It's a term that once was strictly applied by a friend of mine (already in grad school) as describing irritating undergrads. However, a few close friends and I have expanded this particular term to describe someone who has little to no idea what is going on. There have been lots of jokes to further emphasize how wombatty we will become. No longer the mostly confident undergrad (perhaps with little reason), I will now become the new dork who has no idea where the pipet tips, lab pens, buffers, or even the bathroom will be. Despite my obsessive note taking, I will know where things are for a few short weeks, then be whisked into my new rotation with a new group. And again. And again. Since rotations in my program will only last a few weeks, it will be ridiculously insane. How will I correctly judge which group is right for me? How will the PIs judge me when I'll only have a few weeks in their lab? Will I get into the lab that I eventually choose, or will everyone else want to work for the same person?

I dread the coming incompetence that I feel sure will be exposed shortly. How did I even get into grad school? Why did my school accept me? Will my peers realize that a mistake was made by the grad school? I can only hope that plenty of my fellow incoming grad students will feel the same. Leaving my good friends---especially my "lab soulmate" best friend from undergrad---is nerve wracking.

However, my saving grace is that I have talked to others who feel the same way. I loved the grad students and my fellow prospective grad students at my choice of school. I will be continuing my pattern of working hard and trying my best. I'm living with two friends from undergrad who aren't in the program, but will be good friends even if I can't seem to make any. I think everything will be ok, and I'll get into a lab that I'll be happy and productive in. I choose a school that would give me a shot at these aspects, and I'm hopeful that I'll find my place at grad school. It just might take a while.

Anxiety + a Wee Bit of Fun

Got an email back from my future PI for confirming my start date. I'm really excited to start working for her. Even if I don't end up working for her (I have at least two, possibly three more rotations to do), I'm really hoping for a female role model.

I had so many amazing female scientist mentors at my PUI. Part of why I ended up picking GSU is that there were two established women who could help serve as mentors for possibly both my grad school research experience and my overall grad school experience.

*knocks on wood that this wish comes true*

And just for some fun, my family and I have loved the reality show (yes, yes I know) Cake Boss. Probably because it's similar to our Italian family. Except more New York, less New Jersey.

Cake Boss: Pizza Challenge

Curses! Foiled again.

To help pay for the repairs that I really need to make on my car, I've been trying to get a temporary job. Babysitting would be ideal, but everyone wants long term babysitters.

I've been looking for anything else that could potentially be a temporary position: cleaning, waitressing an event, pet sitting, store advertising, participating in the paid marketing groups, etc. It's just tough to find something that would happen within a month.

Hopefully something will come up? I mean, worse comes to worse, I'll dig a little more into my emergency savings and stretch my budget a little more.

In the meanwhile, I'll continue on my study quest.

Milestones.

A month from now, I will be starting my first day of researching at Grad School U. I just emailed my soon to be PI the other day to double confirm this fact.

Yikes.

But for now, I will control my flip out, put down the painful analytical textbook, and instead go out for dinner with the boy to celebrate 2 years of dating!*

I need to come up with a better nickname for him. Actually, I need to come up with better nicknames for everyone in this blog.

*Give or take. Neither of us can remember the day we started dating. We just know it was now-ish.

Balance? What balance?

Ever since we signed a lease, I've been thinking about what things I'd like to do once I move to GSU.

Obviously, I'll be balancing classes and research. And TAing after the first quarter.

And then there's the mental health aspects: my running (hopefully going to do my first half marathon in the next six months!), keeping in touch with friends, keeping up the LDR, keeping my family in the loop, and making new friends.

But I'd really like to start volunteering again. I miss doing it. I didn't get to do it much in college other than doing fund-raising for organizations---which is fun, and it's nice to know you're doing something, but it's not my style of volunteering. I graded a science fair at a local school this past spring, and I realized that it was something that I'd missed. Interacting with the kids was fun, and I loved using my scientific background to benefit someone else.

I'm going to wait several months and see how busy I am, but I'd really like to spend an hour or two a week tutoring. I found a few different organizations that I could do this through, so here's hoping that I can do it.